Tuesday, February 15, 2011
High Tech Grocery Store
A new super high tech grocery store recently opened in Orlando, Florida. It has the standard automatic water misters to keep the produce fresh, but just before it mists, one hears the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When one passes the diary freezer, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh mown hay. Going in the meat department one can smell the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and barbecued ribs. When you pass the fresh eggs case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of morning eggs and bacon. In the bread department, a tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and soft warm rolls. But I don't buy my toilet paper there any more.
Snake Bite
Jonathan and Randy were hiking buddies and on this one day in the woods Randy is bitten on the rear end by a huge rattlesnake. Ok, Jonathan says "I'll run to town for a doctor." Jonathan runs as fast as he can for 10 miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is busy delivering a baby. Jonathan says “My buddy’s been bit by a rattle snake in the woods and needs urgent help right away!” Doc says "I can't leave now, I’m busy!" "But here's what you can do. Take a pocket knife, cut a little 'x' where the bite is, suck out all the poison and then spit it on the ground." Jonathan runs all the way back to his friend, who is in agony. In extreme pain, Randy screams "Well what did the doctor say?" "He says you're gonna die."
Battle Golf
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
Short Jokes
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
Did you hear about hte new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes foreward incase the enemy attacks from behind.
Where does the one legged waitress work?
The Ihop
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Damn
A blonde walked into a bar
OUCHH!!!
A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
The mushroom says "Why not I'm a Fungi!"
Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
Did you hear about hte new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes foreward incase the enemy attacks from behind.
Where does the one legged waitress work?
The Ihop
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Damn
A blonde walked into a bar
OUCHH!!!
A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
The mushroom says "Why not I'm a Fungi!"
One liner Jokes
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud
What do you call a camal with 3 humps?
Humphreys
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies !
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMN!
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut its nose off
What do you call a fish with no eye ?
FSH !
What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
I have no I-Deer
What is invisable and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.
What is a dogs favourite school subject?
"Dog-Ruff-E "
Why are there no asprins in the jungle?
Because the Parots-ate-em-all
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Why do gerillas have big nostralls?
Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
Lipstick
A cloud
What do you call a camal with 3 humps?
Humphreys
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies !
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMN!
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut its nose off
What do you call a fish with no eye ?
FSH !
What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
I have no I-Deer
What is invisable and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.
What is a dogs favourite school subject?
"Dog-Ruff-E "
Why are there no asprins in the jungle?
Because the Parots-ate-em-all
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Why do gerillas have big nostralls?
Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
Lipstick
Short Jokes
There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.
A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"
Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.
Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff
Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath
Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"
The one on the range.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.
A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"
Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.
Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff
Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath
Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"
One Liners
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...
Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
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